Prophecies of The Onion

Scorpio

Courtesy of Grail's doodling.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784?utm_source=facebook_1

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

January 17, 2001 | Issue 37•01

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

President-elect Bush vows that "together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

I've always loved The Onion for their witful satire, but it turns out they also dabble in prophecies. Who knew?
 

Griffith

With the streak of a tear, Like morning dew
When I saw the thread title, I already knew which article it would be. They're apparently very proud of it. =)
 

Scorpio

Courtesy of Grail's doodling.
Vampire_Hunter_Bob said:
Not really freaky at all. All they did was predict the worst and it happened. :troll:

Yea, it's pretty embarrassing when your administration lives up the outrageous satire of The Onion. (I love The Onion)
 

Griffith

With the streak of a tear, Like morning dew
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/japan_pledges_to_halt_production

Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

We can only hope this is prophetic. :rakshas:
 

Walter

Administrator
Staff member
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/are_violent_video_games?utm_source=a-section

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

RE5 and Fallout 3 allusions :guts:

Though, I thought this was funnier:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/spam_crackdown_threatens
 

Griffith

With the streak of a tear, Like morning dew
We can catch a connecting flight in Prague! :guts:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/pragues_franz_kafka_international



It's coming...

http://www.theonion.com/video/the-cressbeckler-stance-coming-soon-to-the-onion-n,17377/

No, it's here! It's The Cressbeckler Stance!

http://www.theonion.com/video/joad-cressbeckler-is-back-to-claim-rightful-title,17408/
 

Aazealh

Administrator
Staff member
グリフィス said:
It's coming...

http://www.theonion.com/video/the-cressbeckler-stance-coming-soon-to-the-onion-n,17377/

No, it's here! It's The Cressbeckler Stance!

http://www.theonion.com/video/joad-cressbeckler-is-back-to-claim-rightful-title,17408/

That was awesome. :guts:
 

Griffith

With the streak of a tear, Like morning dew
The Onion ran this article on their front page a couple of weeks ago:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-about-due-for-big-cult-suicide said:
Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide

WASHINGTON—Citing a general feeling that it has been a while since one last occurred, the FBI warned Monday that the nation should prepare for the possibility of some kind of crazy, cult-related mass suicide.

And then this happened...


http://edition.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/19/california.missing.group/?hpt=T2 said:
Police: 14 members of 'cult-like' group missing in California

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- A "cult-like" group of 14 Salvadorans -- including eight children -- is missing in southern California after leaving behind notes saying it is going to meet Jesus and dead relatives, authorities said.

:void:


UPDATE: The article has been cleansed of subtlety so CNN could put "MASS SUICIDE!" in the headline for more hits.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/19/california.missing.group/?hpt=T2 said:
Police: Missing 'cult-like' group may have plans for mass suicide

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- A "cult-like" group of 14 Salvadorans -- including eight children -- is missing in southern California after leaving behind notes indicating plans to commit a mass suicide, authorities said.
 

Walter

Administrator
Staff member
http://www.theonion.com/video/joad-cressbeckler-fears-genetic-modification-cause,18433/

Cressbeckler is back, and this time he wants to know what them sorcerers are doin to them taters.
 

Griffith

With the streak of a tear, Like morning dew
http://www.theonion.com/articles/ive-got-you-dumb-motherfuckers-eating-right-out-of said:
I've Got You Dumb Motherfuckers Eating Right Out Of My Hand

By John Lasseter
Chief Creative Officer, Pixar
February 1, 2011 | ISSUE 47•05

OE-John-Lasseter-R_jpg_90x150_upscale_q85.jpg


When we released the first Toy Story movie back in 1995, my colleagues and I were nervous about the response from critics and audiences. Sure, we knew we had crafted a brilliant, earnest film that intelligently explored the human condition—a story that resonated with both children and adults alike—but we didn't know for sure if moviegoers would come out in big numbers or not. Well, fast-forward 15 years, 11 movies, and $6 billion later, and I can tell you with full confidence that I've got you stupid fucking sons of bitches exactly where I want you.

I mean, Jesus Christ, we've got you dummies eating up this works-of-cinematic-beauty shit like your miserable little lives depended on it.

Yes, after the success of our first few movies we had a hunch you'd continue to enjoy the wonderfully designed animation and our smart, lyrical writing, but I didn't think we'd create a horde of drooling morons ready to drop everything just to watch a fucking rat cook dinner. Time and time again, though, there you chumps are, lined up around the block with your stupid little kids, eager to have your stupid little hearts filled with whimsy.

Admit it: You numb-nuts are addicted to our genuine, three-dimensional characters. And you just can't get enough of our ability to make an idiot robot that can barely even talk feel relatable. It's okay to say you love it.

It's truly pathetic, but it's okay.

Let me share a little anecdote with you. Three years ago, I was watching an early edit of the movie Up, and I swear to God I only had to watch five minutes of the thing before I turned to Andrew Stanton and said, "Boy, the sheep are gonna flock to this." And I said this while that old fart's house was still on the ground. Up had everything you nimrods have come to expect from Pixar: an endearing main character, that follow-your-dreams bullshit, and that razor-sharp humor garbage we can basically barf out anytime we need a hefty payday.

Admittedly, not everything in that movie was perfect. Were the talking dogs a cheap gag? Absolutely. Did it matter? No way. We're fucking Pixar! We've built enough credibility that we don't have to worry about talking dogs ruining a movie, because we own the audience, we own the critics, and when we say "Jump," the jack-offs who give out Academy Awards say, "How high? Best Picture high enough?"

Come to think of it, you're like a bunch of talking dogs that rush to their water bowls every time we refill it with timeless narratives and indelible characters, aren't you? Here, boy! Sit. Stay. Roll over. Feel more of an emotional connection with a cartoon fish than anything else in your own empty life. Good boy. Good.

Pixar is bulletproof, assholes. We can put out any old piece of shit that perfectly examines universal themes of love and friendship and just walk away with record box-office numbers. In fact, I think I'll have my award-winning design team get cracking on an anthropomorphic piece of shit right now. Yes. Shit. I'm talking actual human feces here, folks. We'll give it eyes and limbs, and—I don't know—call it Danny Caca. Brad Bird can make a story about how it got lost on its way to the sewage treatment facility. Its best friends are a used sewage-logged tampon and a hypodermic needle. Then we'll just sit back and watch the receipts come in.

Yeah, it'll have heart and depth, but still, it's going to be a talking piece of shit. Kids won't flush for years because of it.

So here's what we got coming out soon: Cars 2, Brave (I actually have no clue what that is, but I'm sure our little toady at The New York Times A.O. Scott will say it fits perfectly into Pixar's grand tradition of excellence), and Monsters, Inc. 2. I see we have a couple sequels in there, but I'm willing to bet you dunderheads are excited as hell for them because Pixar has that rare, we-don't-do-sequels-unless-we-genuinely-have-a-good-story-to-tell integrity thing that you just absolutely love and respect and that can't be found anywhere else in Hollywood. Hell, it's like it's 100 degrees out and we're the only ones selling snow cones.

So, enjoy the movies, dipshits. And remember, you've got a friend in us.
 
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