Author Topic: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium  (Read 4368 times)

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Offline Walter

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Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« on: March 09, 2013, 06:03:35 PM »


Ever read those promotional blurbs on the back of the Dark Horse Berserk volumes? With a few exceptions, they're different for each volume. And they're all hilariously terrible. "Enjoy" them all!



Volume 1
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is manga mayhem to the extreme-violent, horrifying, and mercilessly funny- and the wellspring for the internationally popular anime series. Not for the squeamish or the easily offended, Berserk asks for no quarter–and offers none!

Volume 2
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is meat-grinder manga at it's most extreme–gruesome, violent, and darkly funny–and the inspiration for the wildly popular anime series. Look elsewhere if your craving sweetness, subtlety, and good manners. Berserk is the bull in the graphic-novel China shop–and who wouldn't watch a bull getting medieval on the dishes?

Volume 3
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is exactly what its title advertises, a savage, gruesome, and often darkly funny roller- coaster ride, inspiring the internationally popular anime series. If you're looking for graphic fiction to take home to Grandma, this ain't it–unless Granny smokes cigars and rides a Harley!

Volume 4
Created by Kentarou Miura and the inspiration for the wildly popular anime series, Berserk is an unholy hurricane of blood, carnage, and horror! Brutal, crude, and darkly funny, Berserk is not exactly for the theater crowd...unless the theater features pit fights!

Volume 5
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is maniacal manga to the max-relentless, harrowing, and gruesomely funny-and the inspiration for the popular anime series. If you're looking for graphic fiction tied up with a pretty, pink bow, you'd better run for the hills–because Berserk will show you what you can do with that bow!

Volume 6
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a bloodstained manga juggernaut, equal parts savage violence, gruesome horror, and black humor packed inside a flaming powder keg and rolled downhill into a crowd of terrified civilians. Let the weak-kneed get out of the way, 'cause Berserk ain't about to give up any ground!

Volume 7
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is pedal-to-the-metal manga madness, a raging blur of savage action, grisly horror, and dark humor that has inspired legions of rabid fans and rendered aghast hordes of terrified civilians. Duck and cover and look out for flying glass, because Berserk is going... well, Berserk!

Volume 8
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is medieval manga mania at its bloodstained best, a volatile concoction of raging action, abyssal horror, and graveyard humor that has the initiates lining up for more and the fainthearted heading for the hills.  Thank you sir, may I have another!

Volume 9
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a bleeding-edge manga battering ram, an epic fantasy of intense action, unsettling horror and gallows humor that has spawned legions of devoted readers and scores of horrified onlookers.  You can’t handle the truth!

Volume 10
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a smoking manga chainsaw, a sweeping epic of gripping action, ghastly horror, and graveyard humor that has produced an army of fanatical readers and countless shellshocked civilians.  Duck and cover!

Volume 11
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a roaring manga dragster, a grand epic of red-line action, white-knuckle horror, and black hearted humor that has spawned a fervent legion of acolytes driving a host of horrified nonbelievers in their wake.  The bell tolls for thee, puny mortal!

Volume 12
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a churning manga mosh-pit, a take-no-prisoners epic of white-knuckle action, cold-blooded horror and black-hearted humor that has inspired legions of fanatical acolytes to spread terror and chaos across the land. Run for your lives!

Volume 13
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a hurtling manga avalanche, a pit-dark epic of relentless action, repellant horror, and remorseless humor that has hordes of initiates sharpening their blades while sending the timid into full retreat. The bell tolls for thee, wimp!

Volume 14
None.

Volume 15
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a streaking manga fireball, an epic riot of galvanic action, grotesque horror and grim humor with an army of fanatic loyalists ready to convert unbelievers or drive them screaming into the wilderness. Speak, hands, for me!"

Volume 16
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a howling manga hurricane, an epic blast of unrelenting action, unsetling horror and unhinged humor that has turned formerly productive citizens into malign servants of darkness! Hell hath no fury like Berserk!

Volume 17
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is an out-of-control manga flashfire, a searing epic of blazing action, blasphemous horror and black humor that has left scorched earth and toasted readers in its fiery wake. Burn, baby burn!

Volume 18
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is an unstoppable manga avalanche, an overwhelming epic of unbridled action, unsettling horror and uncivil humor that has crushed both friend and foe alike in its relentless path of destruction. No pain, no gain!

Volume 19
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a crushing manga jackhammer, a bone-splintering epic of extreme action, excrutiating horror, and excessive humor that sets its fanatic followers afire and puts its detractors in their place–six feet under!

Volume 20
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a bludgeoning manga bulldozer, an epic rumble of propulsive action, primal horror and profane humor that cuts no corners, pulls no punches and suffers no fools gladly.

Volume 21
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a crashing manga leviathan, a perfect storm of impassioned action, impious horror, and improper humor that makes your most twisted nightmares play like treasured childhood memories. Cry "Havoc"!

Volume 22
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a towering manga monolith, a crushing slab of bone-rattling action, teeth-chattering horror and rule-breaking humor that has conscripted thousands into its legion of the damned and tossed the unbelievers from the battlements. Awake the iron!

Volume 23
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a fiery manga apocalypse, an ominous omnibus of furious action, fearsome horror and funereal humor that strikes a power chord in the hearts of its devoted followers and strikes down the rest like a scythe through wheat. Bring in the sheaves!

Volume 24
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a runaway manga locomotive, a crashing colossus of teeth-rattling action, spine-chilling horror, and taboo-breaking humor that fires the boilers of its devoted devotees and just fires the rest. Ashes to ashes!

Volume 25
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is the hammer of the manga forge, a white-hot amalgam of bruising action, breathless horror and brimstone humor that separates men from boys, wheat from chaff, and heads from shoulders. Do you want to live forever?

Volume 26
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is the hammer of the manga forge, a white-hot amalgam of bruising action, breathless horror and brimstone humor that separates men from boys, wheat from chaff, and heads from shoulders. Do you want to live forever?

Volume 27
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a pounding manga sledgehammer, a captivating combination of the blistering action, brazen horror, and bughouse humor that proves beyond doubt that whom the gods would destroy, they first make Berserk!

Volume 28
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a fearsome assault on the senses, a manga masterpiece that leaves no sensibiity unturned and no blade unbloodied. A complex blend of horror, humor and action, Berserk is definitely not for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, or anyone who still needs to sleep with the lights on!

Volume 29
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a howling manga tsunami, an epic graphic-fiction masterpiece that leaves no stone unturned and no blade unbloodied. A boiling blend of action, horror and humor, Berserk is not for the faint of heart, the weak of knee of the lilied of liver. No Guts, no glory!

Volume 30
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a point-blank manga broadside, a relentless barrage of action, horror and humor that asks no quarter and gives none. Damn the torpedos!

Volume 31
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a derailed manga locomotive, an epic graphic-fiction masterpiece as unstoppable as it is dangerous. A screaming shrapnel blast of action, horror and dark humor, Berserk takes no orders, gives no ground, and suffers no fools. No apologies, no remorse!

Volume 32
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a bare-knuckled manga brawl, an anything goes cage fight of action, horror and humor that breaks no rules–because there aren't any! Morituri te salutant!

Volume 33
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is an erupting manga volcano, an exploding fire wind of extreme action, horror and humor that burns the unwary to ashes, then buries the ashes. Feed the fire!

Volume 34
Like sledge striking anvil, Berserk hammers the sensibilities of readers worldwide, pounding out a steady stream of epic action, gruesome horror, and dark humor that paces Berserk among the most respected–and feared—manga series ever published.

Volume 35
Like a gauntleted fist to the face, Kentarou Miura's Berserk is a shocking explosion of epic action, gruesome horror and dark humor that places Berserk in the pantheon of adult manga.

Volume 36
"The Godfather of all fantasy manga," (Anime-Planet.com), Kentarou Miura's Berserk is a white-hot blast of action, horror and humor that is still going strong after more than twenty years of publication.

Volume 37
Kentarou Miura's Berserk is a blazing inferno of action, horror, and humor with more than twenty years of publication.

Volume 38
Kentarou Miura's Berserk is a blazing inferno of action, horror, and humor with more than twenty years of publication and over a million Dark Horse editions sold.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 01:49:41 PM by Walter »
:femto: :slan: :ubik:

Offline Draculoid

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Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2013, 06:10:59 PM »
Haha too good Walter, thanks for doing this! Some writer over at Darkhorse is having a lot of fun with these.
Where did I go wrong? I’ve got a sneaking suspicion it ain’t over. A kindred connivance, I’m ripped and in ruins

Offline Grail

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Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2013, 06:15:02 PM »
Yeah, thanks for taking the time to put all these down. I'd forgotten some of the earlier ones - it seemed like they started out trying to be sort of respectable, but it all goes to hell by volume 2.

Volume 14
None.

WHAT?! :mozgus:

Offline Bender

Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2013, 06:39:53 PM »
Volume 29
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a howling manga tsunami, an epic graphic-fiction masterpiece that leaves no stone unturned and no blade unbloodied. A boiling blend of action, horror and humor, Berserk is not for the faint of heart, the weak of knee of the lilied of liver. No Guts, no glory!

I have been rereading through berserk for the last few months and the other day I finished reading Volume 29 and flipped it over and read that for the first time.  I could not help but laugh, but... :schierke:

I have only read a few of these over the years.  Funny to see them all at once.


Offline Johnny Apples

Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2013, 07:00:11 PM »
Out of all the blurbs that have appeared on the backs of Berserk volumes published in English, the volume 14 easily has the best one of them all  :void:

And anyone else noted that despite some variations in the text itself, virtually all of the blurbs contain those three unchanged keywords; "action", "horror" and "humor"?   :ganishka:

Offline Walter

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Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2013, 07:12:41 PM »
Volume 14: No text.
WHAT?! :mozgus:
They instead use that space to say that the Berserk Prototype is included. Such a waste!

Some of my favorite quotes:

Quote


Volume 20
Created by Kentarou Miura, Berserk is a bludgeoning manga bulldozer
Need I say more...? SPEAK HANDS, FOR ME.

Quote
Volume 34
...and dark humor that places Berserk among the most respected–and feared—manga series ever published.
Other manga series are afraid of Berserk.

Quote
Volume 35
Like a gauntleted fist to the face, Kentaro Miura's Berserk is a shocking explosion of epic action, gruesome horror and dark humor that places Berserk in the pantheon of adult manga.
Everything about this one is great. The fact that it starts with a punch to the face, and ends with a complete non-statement.

Almost every one of these harps on about DARK, GALLOWS HUMOR, TABOO HUMOR, BLACK HUMOR, RULE-BREAKING HUMOR... Can anyone point out an example of this in the series? Nothing comes to mind for me. Humor isn't exactly a large part of this series. Not to say it's not featured, but worth putting on the back of a box? And to cast it in such a light...?
:femto: :slan: :ubik:

Offline Bender

Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2013, 07:33:14 PM »
Almost every one of these harps on about DARK, GALLOWS HUMOR, TABOO HUMOR, BLACK HUMOR, RULE-BREAKING HUMOR... Can anyone point out an example of this in the series? Nothing comes to mind for me. Humor isn't exactly a large part of this series. Not to say it's not featured, but worth putting on the back of a box? And to cast it in such a light...?

I would say it's pretty inappropriate, volume 13 stands out.

Quote
Volume 13
...and remorseless humor...

It's full of laughs.

Offline Dar Klink

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Re: Dark Horse Berserk Blurb Compendium
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2013, 11:21:31 PM »
Dammit, I still can't not hear these in that terrible South Park Rob Schneider movie trailer voice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50leF8g6a5E