A brush with greatness

M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Many a young man will dip his fist into the box of mystery, only to have it emerge skinless and covered in parasitic organisms that will eventually replace his entire bloodstream with their bodily waste. Yes, the mouth and anus are one and the same on these creatures. Truly we humans have much to learn about efficiency.

Nevertheless, I love my orifices and find them to be a trasure-trove of splendor. From the lowly nostril to the mighty vagina, my body enthralls me with the possibilities of insertion. In fact, I'm typing this with a mannequin's hand that I have had in my rectum for nigh on a week. The typing speed one can achieve with minor contractions of the sphincter is very impressive.

But, I digress. I know you all came here today looking for guidance, and I and my colleagues (The Insatiable Suncake Crew), are here to provide it. So in the grand stylings of Dear Abby, I want you all to come to me with your problems, dilemmas, even anecdotes and I will attempt to help you work through them, or at least comment on them to make you feel bad.

Y'all keep it real now,
Proffesor Pete
 
Vaxillus

Vaxillus

The one and only severed head
MangyKid Ver.4.5 said:
Many a young man will dip his fist into the box of mystery, only to have it emerge skinless and covered in parasitic organisms that will eventually replace his entire bloodstream with their bodily waste. Yes, the mouth and anus are one and the same on these creatures. Truly we humans have much to learn about efficiency.

Nevertheless, I love my orifices and find them to be a trasure-trove of splendor. From the lowly nostril to the mighty vagina, my body enthralls me with the possibilities of insertion. In fact, I'm typing this with a mannequin's hand that I have had in my rectum for nigh on a week. The typing speed one can achieve with minor contractions of the sphincter is very impressive.

But, I digress. I know you all came here today looking for guidance, and I and my colleagues (The Insatiable Suncake Crew), are here to provide it. So in the grand stylings of Dear Abby, I want you all to come to me with your problems, dilemmas, even anecdotes and I will attempt to help you work through them, or at least comment on them to make you feel bad.

Y'all keep it real now,
Proffesor Pete
Click to expand...
I had no problems untill I read this post. Now I need a shrink.
 
Walter

Walter

Administrator
Staff member
Dear MangyKid,

I'm in the lovely city of Paris. The girls here are very pretty, but everytime i approach a very pretty one, I mess my pants! Then, they run away laughing or screaming, depending on how ive put the knife to them. My methods obviously arent working. What should I do :'(

-Your pal,
Walter​
 
X

xechnao

MangyKid Ver.4.5 said:
Many a young man will dip his fist into the box of mystery, only to have it emerge skinless and covered in parasitic organisms that will eventually replace his entire bloodstream with their bodily waste. Yes, the mouth and anus are one and the same on these creatures. Truly we humans have much to learn about efficiency.

Nevertheless, I love my orifices and find them to be a trasure-trove of splendor. From the lowly nostril to the mighty vagina, my body enthralls me with the possibilities of insertion. In fact, I'm typing this with a mannequin's hand that I have had in my rectum for nigh on a week. The typing speed one can achieve with minor contractions of the sphincter is very impressive.

But, I digress. I know you all came here today looking for guidance, and I and my colleagues (The Insatiable Suncake Crew), are here to provide it. So in the grand stylings of Dear Abby, I want you all to come to me with your problems, dilemmas, even anecdotes and I will attempt to help you work through them, or at least comment on them to make you feel bad.

Y'all keep it real now,
Proffesor Pete
Click to expand...

Strange mix of comedy and horror. In the end it isn't funny nor scary, just strange. Kinda Snooz attacking with a dream of illusions Guts, a surprise attack that he can't avoid. And it seems a mix of Yoda's hardware but with a different software: one of less personality but more authority.


On the other hand Walter's drama is much more solid but less surprising I'ld guess.
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Dearest Walter,

It is unclear whether you are messing your pants from the front or rear, that is to say, peepee or poopoo? Or is it seem-seem or whatever childish word could exist for your nasty habit premature ejaculation? Regardless, my advice to you is to whip it out long before you approach them, and to run towards them with your proud phallus unsheathed and bobbing about in the breeze. This awesome display of modern-day chivalry and fearlessness will woo her instantly, and possibly send her into violent seizures from the overbearing prowess of your exposed wang.

Seizures are preferable, as she will still be alive and moving while you commit your foul but necessary deed. It is most superior to the "still warm" philosophy and somewhat superior to conscious rape. Not that the frenchies ever say no, but they are scared away by uncontrolled evacuation of the bowls, bladder, or semenstuffs, as you well know.

So, Walter, you need only but to be confident and proud, and you shall seize the poon-tang so quickly, and in such a firm and domineering grasp, that you will bruise the very essence of vagina, causing women all across the land a strange combination of pleasure and discomfort.

Congratulations,
Elroy
Insatiable Suncake Crew


Professor Pete here, Would just like to note that Walter is also pimpin' the shnoz now. I know how you do, I know it very well.

Keepin' it realer than fake stuff,
Professor Petius P. Petenheimer
 
Walter

Walter

Administrator
Staff member
Ohhh, so you propose a pre-emptive wang evacuation, prior to the full scale assault? I certainly hadn't thought about that. Well it would probably work out here. I have big american cock (~8"!) and from what Ive seen from the public urinals in france, i have very little competition.

The next move i guess is to choose the best public place for my strike. Im thinking somewhere scenic like the 'Champs de Mars'. Nice and open, so if multiple ladies want to join in on the train of love, they are free to. Oh, someone's at the door. I'll try the method pre-emptively!

That didn't work so well... Hopefully by tomorrowm it will be able to rise to the occasion, unlike now. What do I do if it is crying blood and i only have one sac left? The other is lodged in my stomach ???

Help! :-X

PS: in answer to your query, i was evacuating from really all possible holes. I had to change clothes very often from the violent liquids that did purge from my body's orifaces. I think its due to nervousness... :'( Recently, i just walk around in bathrobe and sandals.

PPS: What do women want?

PPPS: How do you get blood / amniotic fluid stains out of concrete ???
 
Oltobaz

Oltobaz

Cancer no Deathmask
Walter said:
PPPS: How do you get blood / amniotic fluid stains out of concrete  ???
Click to expand...

Just drop these blocks of concrete in the Seine, already!! Works for me...
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Dearest Dinglepie,

If it is true that any and all fluids are spewing mightily from your peehole, poohole (doohole for some), and also the faceholes, and perhaps even holes unique to you personally, then you may have eaten several too many crabcakes. It is a condition known as "full of shit". But in your case, I believe it is the more serious "Really full of shit and it's pushing his insides outsides".

I know your penchant for shellfish is matched only by your unbridled wit, but you must tone it down so you don't burst and leave only a messy crab-laden corpse, and your one hit book "Falafel: I Hardly Knew Ye".

But to answer the more pressing question, what women want is someone with a gigantic penis. I'm not talking big, or large, or even gargantuan. I'm not even talking elephantine. I mean, she wants to hitch a ride on that shit as it drags behind you, riding it like a child rides those expensive toy trains that only the yuppie kids got. Sure, it may not be romantic, or surprising in the least, but it's the truth. Of course, the thing women want second most is truffles. Not the chocolate kind, the expensive-ass mushroom kind. Don't ask me why, but it's slightly more attainable than a penis like mine.

In other news, my foot has become enlarged and swollen, and a tiny civilization of what I'm calling "toe nymphs" has sprung up. The toe nymphs frolic through my jungle of blazing blue foot hair, chattering incessantly and doing their mysterious folk dances by fires stoked with my own dead skin.

But most presently I have determined that suckas don't need to be lickin my yogurt, cuz that ain't how we do down in the bayou. I brings sixty nine percent of the funk down here, and 37 percent of unwed mothers agree, my funk is most pleasing to the ear. So take a copper spoon and dip in the pudding of my discontent, lick it clean with the tongue of ubiquity and common clothes, and first and foremost don't go sliding on bigfoot's front lawn because he has more willpower than you could ever imagine.

Toad-ally yours,
Frogglepuss T. Spermwitz
Insatiable Suncake Crew
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Dag, suckas be hatin'? Alls I do is want to help, but suckas apparently ain't gots no prizzoblizzems :(. Or maybe :), that's a pretty idyllic lifestyle.

But suckas still have an inherent tendency toward hatin', and that must be curbed at all costs. So suckas please, if you've got the funky dna inside your soul, lay down some hypothetical dilemmas for me to rezzisolve. I promise the pied piper will be tickled pink, and your pickle will be that of a speckled dink.



Maker of rane, hark! My posts may be the Guinness, but your are most definitely the Coors.
 
Vaxillus

Vaxillus

The one and only severed head
I have a question that most assuredly needs answering. Why would you put duck tape (or duct tape if you prefer) on a Gerbil? I've heard it has become quite a problem in trailer parks.
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Simple. One may find it quite difficult to properly secure their gerbil to a radio controlled vehicle without the use of such adhesive strips. But the problem transcends duct tape. Many kinds of tapes, glues, and in some cases gum are used for this purpose in the trailer parks of america. The children just aren't satisfied with the gerbils (often hamsters and mice are used also) falling out of/off the vehicle. It's almost obsessive-compulsive. But I suppose the pursuit of pleasure and harmony is what incites these desires, and what is more pleasing than having a small, defenseless creature driven around perilously against its will? Not a lot.



SEE, THIS JUST ISN'T CUTTING IT. TAPE THAT BITCH IN THERE AND PUSH THE CAR DOWN A STEEP HILL. NOW.
70640954JQUxvG_ph.jpg



Funkily,
Bobberson McGriddle
Insatiable Suncake Crew

P.S. It appears the hamster is giving its owner (whose finger unfortunately seems to be suffering from loss of circulation) a high five. Most happenin', cool cats.

P.P.S. Actually, the person seems to have crab-hands or something. What up with his bunched up fingers, yo? It's kind of depressing. Nevertheless, I find his lack of tape use appalling. Look fucker, I don't care if your hands are fucked, you will tape that goddamned rodent.
 
X

xechnao

Scientists have long marveled over the dance of the bee. A little jitterbug seems to reveal to coworkers the location of a distant meal. But how and whether the dance really works has remained controversial.


A new study confirms the dancing is a form of communication.


Bees outfitted with tracking devices responded to the wiggling of one of their fellow foragers, who had just returned to the hive from some newfound bee vittles. The dance, which is performed on one of the honeycomb walls, is not an exact language, but it gets the job done.


The central element of the choreography is a shimmy, or waggle, along a straight line. For emphasis, the bee repeats this move several times by circling around in a figure-8 pattern. The angle that the shimmy makes in relation to an imaginary vertical line is the direction to the food source with respect to the sun.


For example, a waggle dance pointing towards 3 o'clock is bee talk for: "Hey, there's food 90 degrees to the right of the Sun."


A solar compass


This solar compass in honeybees was originally observed in the 1960s by the Nobel Prize winner Karl von Frisch. Later, it was noticed that the number of waggles in one figure-8 corresponds to the distance to the meal.


These remarkable relations have been supported by other experiments, including one in which a mechanical bee danced for the hive and the real bees responded. But there have remained doubts as to whether the other bees could actually decipher the dancer's message.


"The dance isn't a trivial demonstration, but an abstract code," says J. R. Riley of Rothamsted Research, UK.


One complication is that hives are dark and cramped, so other bees - called "recruits" - do not see the full pattern as human observers do. Furthermore, recruits tend to take longer to find the food than would be expected.


"Flying directly, it should only take them a minute or so, but they often don't find the feeder for 5 or 10 minutes," Riley told LiveScience.


And sometimes they never find it. For this reason, some scientists have speculated that the waggle dance merely excites other bees, which then fly out of the hive searching for a scent trail left by the returning bee.


Making a beeline


To solve the controversy, Riley and colleagues strapped radar transponders to 19 dance spectators. The flight paths show that the bees make a beeline to the vicinity of the food source, but then fly around in a looping search pattern. Only two of the radar-tracked recruits actually found the food.


Apparently, the dance gives incomplete instructions, and the bees rely on odors, colors, and other clues to hone in on the final location. Still, the dance gets them pretty close. On average, the recruits came within 18 feet of the food before switching to search mode.


"This was in spite of considerable wind drift which would have pushed them off course if they had not compensated," Riley said.


To further investigate bee-havior, the team moved some recruits several hundred yards away from the hive and then released them. The displaced bees flew the prescribed direction and distance - where they found nothing because their starting point was off.


This is the most definitive proof that recruited bees read the waggle dance, since the transplanted bees chose the foretold trajectory without any of the possible other cues - odors (bees have a strong sense of smell), landscape, other bees - that might exist along the true hive-to-feeder route.
Click to expand...
 
Vaxillus

Vaxillus

The one and only severed head
Thank you mangykid, for a most helpful answer. I asked some friends, but most of them responded, "So it won't explode when you fuck it!" Why someone would prefer a rodent over a sheep is beyond me, but apparently some with less refined tastes prefer such a species.

More in relation to your answer, might such tape work on a Guinea Pig as well? My sister has two to which she is not particularly attached (the opposite in fact). Unfortunately they are rather obese so, if duct tape works at all, I may have to find something more stable than a remote control SUV.

As for that poor misguided child's fingers, perhaps they have turned blue due to the child's death, meaning that they were unable to tape their rodent properly into place before they died of massive internal hemorrhaging.

On a random note, xechnao's comment confuses me. Is it implied as an answer to my question, or is it a problem he has?
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Hector in Charge: A Tyranny Uncontested

I lay awake that night, caressing the purple bruises, (Purple, purple like a certain morphing dinosaur doll.) bruises that the loving Hector had inflicted upon my tender caterpillar flesh. He only did it for my own good, my own self betterment. Hector knows all; he is the largest and fuzziest of all butterflies-to-be. I daren't question his omniscience.

Life in a nest of larvae is difficult, and Hector only tries to make it easier. He says I'm ungrateful, and I'm inclined to agree. Hector emerged from his egg the largest, and consumed leaves and aphids ravenously. He devoured most of the nearby foodstuffs whilst I was still an egg, and became the largest, and therefore the most intelligent and powerful, of all the caterpillars in our nest. We all bow to Hector's will, his wish is our command. In return, Hector promises us security within his (quite capable) means. He is a king caterpillar among just plain caterpillars.

If only I could gain at least a portion of Hector's strength and wisdom, perhaps he would not have to rebuke me so. I try with all my being, but yet still fail. These failures are my shame. I live only in the hope that I may one day please Hector.
 
Sparnage

Sparnage

Y'know what?

A rumour I have heard several times in my life is that Daddy long legs can kill Redback spiders.
For those of you who don't know much about redback spiders, they are a very dangerous type of spider in Australia, only a few centimeters wide (not close to that big in the picture) but considered potentially fatal if not treated.

REDBACK.gif
           
daddy-long-legs-garden-spiders-3.gif


Anyway the idea of seeing a completely harmless daddy long legs manage to kill one seemed facinating, so yesterday my brother and I went outside and after looking for both managed to find 1 redback and a couple of daddy long legs (which aren't hard to find at all) and get them ready for mortal combat.

We put the Darth Maul music "Duel of fates", put the 3 of them in a container and got ready for action. We waited and waited... nothing happened. We thought maybe the daddy long legs weren't hungry or something but so far it's looking like the rumour is absolute bullshit and thats annoying.
After all this time of a naive belief it turns out nothing is protecting us from those fucking redbacks which may not be that common, but can still be found in the right places so I'm not happy. >:(
 
ranemaka13

ranemaka13

I had actually heard that Granddaddy long legs are one of the MOST poisonous of spiders, but their fangs can't penetrate our skin or something?
Which is to say, that they're not really that poisonous if they can't even bite us.

WHATEVER. ::)
 
M

MangyKid Ver.4.3

Champion!
Alls I know is this:
nicole_torso.gif



And that's enough to power my motorbike of serendipity. Keep trucking toward the ultimate meal, home pies.

Jiggy Walrus,
Insatiable Suncake Crew
 
Walter

Walter

Administrator
Staff member
That is the greatest thing the internet has ever created. Pls post rest of series 8)
 
nomad

nomad

"Bring the light of day"
My bastard dog just turned my cell phone into liquid shit... What should I do?
 
Vaxillus

Vaxillus

The one and only severed head
Nomad said:
  My bastard dog just turned my cell phone into liquid shit... What should I do?
Click to expand...
If I might venture a reply (certainly not as knowledgeable as that of our beloved MangyKid), turn your dog's cell phone into liquid shit, or, if he/she/it is unfortunate enough not to have a cell phone, turn your dog into liquid shit. Of course, this could start a traditional family feud, hick style. Of course, if your dog has been spayed, neutered, if its goods are in any way damaged as to prevent reproduction, you probably have little to worry about from its family. In either case, such action will result in the death of your entire family, your dog's, or both, so as preemptive action, just shank the bastard.
 
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